


Dean Has A Secret

by speedfanfic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A look into Deans thoughts through the finale of supernatural, And the fix it we all needed, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, fix it I guess?, supernatural 15x20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27666392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speedfanfic/pseuds/speedfanfic
Summary: Dean has a secret.It’s one he’s kept buried since he first discovered it, however long ago that was. He’s lost track.It's a secret that not even his brother knows. Not that he doesn’t trust him, no, that's not it at all.It’s a secret from back when he used to travel with Dad. And by the time that his Dad had died, by the time that he was traveling with Sam, he had gotten so good at pretending that it didn't exist, that he started to believe it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	Dean Has A Secret

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up late to write this in one go.
> 
> Any grammer mistakes are my bad. And the result of being tired while writing.
> 
> My thought on what should have happened.

Dean has a secret.

It’s one he’s kept buried since he first discovered it, however long ago that was. He’s lost track.

It's a secret that not even his brother knows. Not that he doesn’t trust him, no, that's not it at all.

It’s a secret from back when he used to travel with Dad. And by the time that his Dad had died, by the time that he was traveling with Sam, he had gotten so good at pretending that it didn't exist, that he started to believe it.

Until he went to hell.

Alastair was a son of a bitch for many reasons. He was a master at knowing one's secrets, at being able to pull them from the deepest recesses of one's mind. Dean doesn’t know how he found out. He just knows that not only did he have to deal with the physical torture, no. He also had to deal with the emotional torture of Alastair picking and proding at that one particular secret above all his others.

And then somehow, Dean was out. And just like before, that secret was a secret once more.

Until the barn. Until a certain angel came striding into Dean’s life. From the second he met Castiel, something about the angel caught his eye. He could never place what it was, not exactly. Sure, he was good looking. However, if that was all there was to it, then Dean would have felt  _ something _ when Castiel got dragged back to heaven. When they were left with Jimmy.

No, that certain something had disappeared with the angel.

And then he was back, but he was different. His attitude had changed. The confusion within Dean only grew stronger because that feeling did not go away. He somehow managed to bury it, as he buries every other emotion in his life.

Even when the angel rebelled for him, when the angel died for him. The angel has died so many times, for him. Has done so much, for him. Yet somehow, Dean kept this secret buried. Buried too well, apparently. 

Castiel was something of a marvel, for Dean. He could never figure him out, not fully. This angelic being, somehow so unlike and yet  _ like  _ him at the same time. This being who experiences so differently, from him. Who feels emotions so differently, from him. 

Dean wasn’t stupid. He was able to identify the emotion he felt for the angel since long ago. Yet he kept it buried. He never acted on it, barely let himself acknowledge it.

Until Death was knocking on their door. Until Castiel said those three words.

Those three words that he would never let himself imagine the angel saying to him. That he could never hope the angel  _ could  _ even feel. And then the rest of what Castiel was saying caught up to him, and Dean realized that he didn’t know. Dean realized he had buried this emotion too well. That maybe for once in his life, he hadn’t needed to bury it.

He didn’t even get time to say anything back. The angel was shoving him, he was falling, the empty was there, and just like that, Castiel was gone.

Dean doesn’t know how long he sat against that wall for. He was numb. He couldn’t feel his feet, couldn’t feel his hands. Couldn’t feel the hard concrete floor beneath him, behind his back.

And then his phone rang. He somehow managed to move enough to pick it up, to glance at the screen. But moving somehow broke the dam that was keeping the flood of emotions at bay, because suddenly Dean was drowning in them.

The sobs were rising in this throat and he was powerless to stop them. He didn’t even notice when his phone slipped out of his hands, bouncing against the concrete.

He’s unaware of exactly how long the sobs continued. He just knows that eventually the dam was built once more, and he was rising to his feet, scrubbing at his face. With one last shaky breath, he left to go find Sam and Jack.

-+-+-+-

When Jack asked “Where is Castiel?” with the usual kid-like innocence in his voice, it was a struggle to not let the dam break. He couldn’t voice what Castiel said to him, not without breaking down, and so he instead summarized it the best he could.

He was so sure that every single emotion he was feeling was written on his face like it was a piece of paper. Either he was doing a good enough job of keeping the flood of emotions hidden, or Jack and Sam were just pretending to not notice it.

Yet he had to keep them hidden, keep his emotions buried like usual, because their job was far from done.

-+-+-+-

When Chuck appeared before them, Dean had to use more restraint then he’s ever used in his life. He wanted to stride right up to the bastard and clock him in the face. To demand that he bring everyone back.  _ To bring Cas back. _ He’s God, he’s got to have the power to bring someone back from the empty, it's not even a question in Dean's mind that he  _ can. _

Offering themselves for the lives of everyone on earth was something they didn’t even need to debate on. Nevermind the fact that Dean would offer himself even for just  _ Castiel  _ to come back. Yet they should have known better. Of course Chuck would say no. Of course he wouldn’t care about anything but causing trouble after trouble for him and Sam. Of course.

-+-+-+-

The arrival of Micheal should have surprised Dean. And yet he couldn’t feel a damn thing.

-+-+-+-

The single beer he was drinking may as well have been water for all Dean could taste it.

Sam and him were talking, idle conversation which was only taking half his attention. The other half was still fighting back the emotion trying to overwhelm him, as it has been without pause.

Then his phone began to ring. He pauses for a split second before picking it up, a second in which he wonders who the hell can be calling him. Sam is giving him a look asking  _ what the hell? _ too.

Then he picks it up. His heart freezes at the name on the screen. His blood freezes in his veins. He swipes to answer.

He’s up and running towards the door before he even thinks twice. Though, in hindsight, he really should have known better. He’s actually pretty mad at himself for it.

In the future, looking back at this, he wonders at the fact that Sam stayed on the landing rather than follow Dean up.

-+-+-+-

When Micheal kills Lucifer, Dean feels it's the very least the bastard deserved.

-+-+-+-

Dean is a little bit pissed. 

Alright. A lot pissed. Very much pissed. 

Jack becomes the new God, and then disappears into the sunset? Just like that?

There’s so much left to be fixed. So many loose ends left untied.

Bobby, Ellen, Eileen, Joe.  _ Cas.  _ And many others.

Dean understands how Jack wants to be a hands-off sort of God. But at the very least, wouldn’t it make sense to at least undo the screw ups that Chuck had made?

After at least an hour raging about it in the library of the bunker, Sam sends him off to bed with the threat of “Get your ass to bed before I punch you to sleep.” Dean rarely hears him talk like that, knows he must have pissed him off, and so he goes quietly.

He rages in his head about it for at least another hour, though.

-+-+-+-

“I’ve been thinking,” Sam says, drawing Dean’s attention away from the beautiful sight of the range of pies in front of him. Dean simply raises his eyebrows at him to continue. “About Cas. And Jack.” 

The mere mention of Castiel’s name makes Dean’s breath catch in his throat. Thankfully, Sam doesn’t notice it.

Sam mentions how he wishes that Cas and Jack could be here with them. The sudden rush of emotion that hits Dean right then makes his throat close up. He almost starts thinking about what would happen if they indeed were with them right at this second.

How Cas would probably want to complain about the taste of the pie, something about tasting every molecule in it. And yet somehow, Dean knows that Cas would try to enjoy it, would pretend he loves it, because of the fact that Dean loves it. The thought makes his eyes prickle with tears.

He clears his throat, forces the thoughts away. “I know,” he says instead. Wait, something about that thought isn’t sitting well with him. “Jack and Cas though,” he starts, before shaking his head. “You know what, nevermind.” He goes to eat a bite of a pie. Sam grabs his arm before he can.

“I know. I know what you mean.” Sam’s voice is rough as he speaks, as if he’s fighting back tears also. “Their situation right now, it's not the same.” He leans back, letting go of Dean’s arm. Dean nods, his appetite suddenly gone.

-+-+-+-

He’s tried. He’s spent several sleepless nights on it.

He’s been through every book he can think of, every text he can find in the bunker, anything he can find online. Anything to look for how to bring one out of the empty.

Maybe the men of letters didn’t know about the empty, maybe people have just been too afraid of it to even try. His search comes up empty every time. 

-+-+-+-

One last hunt. That is what this is supposed to be.

Body drained of blood, masks which he remembered being drawn into his Dad’s journal.

They manage to catch one of them, manage to convince him to tell them where the kids are. The location sounds familiar to Dean, and yet he can’t put his finger on it.

Off they go.

When he pulls the impala up to the location that was described to them, his mouth goes dry. Fate is mocking him. It has to be. No way this is simply a coincidence.

A knock on the car window draws him out of his thoughts. He didn’t even notice Sam get out of the car. Sam, who is now standing there with his head tilted slightly to the side, wondering where Dean’s mind has gone.

And Dean remembers that Sam doesn’t know. Wasn’t there with him and Bobby when they first met Cas. 

Dean climbs out of the car.

-+-+-+-

Jenny. Honestly, he doesn’t really remember her. The name is vaguely familiar, and yet he just can’t bring himself to care.

-+-+-+-

Two against one. Fair odds, right?

-+-+-+-

He’s fainting, slashing, kicking, punching. Anything to get one of the vamps off his back for long enough to be able to-

There. He just needed a second, and then he swings, cleanly beheading one of them. The other gets him from the side, tackling him into the ground. He kicks his legs up, reversing them easily enough. Except it then pushes him, and he goes flying across the barn, landing hard on his arm. Great. He better not have broken it.

He manages to push himself up, before realizing that he lost his blade. It went flying, and is now lost among the hay littering the floor. The vamp is coming at him, so he can’t look for it, and instead finds himself dodging its attacks long enough for Sam to finish the one he’s currently fighting so he can get over here and help him.

Except it tackles him, and then there’s a sharp pain in his back. Sharp pain, then nothing. He goes numb. Rather alarmingly fast.  _ Oh shit. _

He still has control of his arms though, and so he punches and swings enough to keep the vamp away from him until Sam rises and beheads it.

Then Sam is talking, and Dean is trying to listen, trying to will his body to move, but what little control over his body he had is slipping away.

He manages to say what he needs to, though Sam’s tears nearly tear his heart out. He tells Sam he loves him, and fuck if he cant remember the last time he told his little brother that. He really does have a problem with emotions, doesn’t he?

Then the world is slowly fading out on him, and even keeping his eyes open becomes too much work.

-+-+-+-

Dean would be lying if he said that he didn’t cry a little when he saw Bobby.

-+-+-+-

If it was even possible in heaven, Dean’s heart stops in his chest when Bobby utters those two simple words.  _ Cas helped. _

So, maybe Dean’s anger at Jack was uncalled for, after all.

The look on Bobby’s face after he speaks those two words makes Dean look away, smirking a little at the ground. Leave it to Bobby to know what is truly on his mind.

Bobby shrugs when Dean asks where Cas is. “He comes around when he comes around. He’s been waiting for you, though. We all have.”

Dean doesn’t reply.

“I can’t imagine that Cas’ll be happy, though.” That gets Dean’s attention. Bobby simply raises his brows. “That angel sacrificed himself for you to live, and you go and die on him barely two weeks after?”

Dean hisses from between his teeth. Shit. He didn’t think of that. “Not like I asked to die,” he mutters. Bobby mutters something in reply that Dean chooses not to hear.

“So, now what will you do?”

Dean looks around. He has all of heaven to explore, now. And it is a beautiful day. “I think I’ll go for a walk,” he says.

-+-+-+-

An onion field. Who would have thought that heaven would have an onion field?

Dean pauses, and takes a second to stare at the sky. He chooses not to think about Sam left all alone on earth. Chooses instead to think about the present, his present.

Where is Jack? Cas?

He groans at the sky. “You would have thought that I would get a better welcome then this, huh?”

There’s a noise, from behind him. Footsteps crunching on the ground.

Dean spins. And freezes.

“Dean.”

Dean just stares. He’s yelling at himself in his head, to say something, to move, but his body refuses. Castiel’s tone of voice, it’s one he’s heard very rarely. It’s not a happy one.

Castiel marches the few steps until he’s standing nearly nose to nose with Dean, who still can’t move.

“How dare you,” he very nearly growls. Then Cas pushes him. Dean wasn’t expecting it, barely manages to keep his feet under him.  _ Shit. _

Cas marches up to him again. Dean finally manages to find his voice. “Cas, wait-”

Cas grabs him by the collar of his jacket. Dean shuts up. “I died so you can live, and this is what you give me? You couldn’t even live for two more weeks? Two weeks!” Cas pushes him again, and Dean doesn’t bother to try to keep his feet under him.

He finds himself staring up at Cas from his seat on the ground as Cas marches up to him once more. Cas kneels in front of him, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket one more time. And this time, Dean notices something he didn’t before.

Cas has tears in his eyes.  _ Shit. _

Dean brings his arms up, resting his hands on Castiel’s arms. “Cas,” he says quietly. 

Cas ignores him, choosing instead to shake him lightly. “You would have thought after what I told you, that you’d at least try to live. For me.” His words are barely above a whisper.

Dean releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Cas then seems to realize what he said, and releases Dean, moving to pull away. Dean doesn’t let go. Cas’s eyes are wide as he meets Dean’s gaze for a split second, before he looks down, choosing instead to stare at the ground. 

If Dean didn’t know any better, he’d think Cas was scared. Of him.

It takes Dean a few seconds to realize that its not Dean he's scared of, but rather his reaction to Castiels words. And so he releases Cas, who very nearly falls on his back from how fast he scrambles on the ground away from Dean, stopping a good few feet away.

“Cas,” he starts.

Cas interrupts him. “Dean, I never meant for-I mean, I wanted to-” Cas cuts himself off. He takes in a deep breath. “When I told you what I told you, it wasn’t to make you feel like you owe me something. I just wanted to let you know how I feel. I apologize for the situation in which I told you.” Cas is very steadily  _ refusing _ to make eye contact with Dean now.

“No, Cas, I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Castiel’s eyes fly up at his words. Dean nearly smiles. “I know, me apologizing for something is probably the last thing you expected, right?” Cas opens his mouth, probably to refute it, but Dean continues before he can.

“Cas, you told me you loved me.” Castiel flinches at his words, his gaze going once more to the ground. A minuscule movement, but Dean catches it. “You told me what you want, is something you know you can’t have. And you died believing this. So yeah, Cas, I think I should be the one saying sorry.”

Cas finally raises his eyes to meet Deans, and maintains eye contact. His confusion reflects in his eyes.

“Cas, you know the way I was raised.” Cas nods. “You know i’m not good at emotions.” Cas nods once more. “Mhm. One thing I’ve been good at since I was a kid was burying my emotions down where others couldn’t see them. Where I wouldn't notice them. I guess I got too good at that.”

Cas tilts his head. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Dean almost laughs, and now it's his turn to stare at the ground. “Yeah, I know. I suck at speaking about emotions. But what I mean, Cas, is this. I’m sorry for letting you die thinking you couldn’t have me. Not knowing that I feel the same.”

Dean risks a glance up at Cas’s face to find that he has frozen. “Do you-Are you-” Cas apparently can’t put a coherent sentence together.

Dean smiles. “What i’m saying, angel, is that I love you too.”

Cas stays frozen for a whole nother minute before his face slowly starts to melt into a smile. And fuck, if Dean doesn’t think its adorable. He’s getting sappy. Is that what heaven does to you? Makes you sappy?

Dean reaches out with a hand, gesturing for Cas to siddle closer, so he can get one hand around to the back of Cas’s head. He’s been wanting to do this for way too long.

Cas beats him to it, leaning in until their breaths are mingling in the air between them, until their foreheads are resting against each other. “Say it,” Cas asks.

Dean knows exactly what he’s asking. And who would he be to deny his angel? “I love you.”

He can feel Cas’s answering smile more then he can see it. “I love you, too,” Cas replies.

Dean doesn’t know who leans in first, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that it is a beautiful and sunny day in heaven when Dean and Cas kiss for the first time.

And multiple more times. They end up laying side by side in the grass, staring up at the sky, trading soft words and even softer kisses for the next large chunk of time.

After all, this is heaven, and they have eternity.

-+-+-+-

Eventually, they manage to stand and make their way back to Bobby, who is now joined by Jack.

The both of them are sitting in chairs on the deck, and share a look after noticing the fact that Dean and Cas are holding hands. They both smile.

-+-+-+-

Dean eventually finds out that not only did Jack manage to save Cas from the empty, but he also brought Eileen back to life.

Dean feels like a weight he didn’t even know was there lifts at the news, at imagining Sam and Eileen growing old together.

-+-+-+-

Eventually, Sam finds his way to heaven. Jack had warned Dean about Sam’s arrival, and so Dean headed out to the fields to meet him.

-+-+-+-

Sam smiles a very big smile when he finds out that Dean and Cas are finally,  _ finally, _ together.

-+-+-+-

Eileen makes her way to Heaven soon after. Dean has to deal with a lot of sappy moments from this point on.

-+-+-+-

Eventually, Dean and Sam meet their mom, meet Ellen, and Joe, Ash, and Charlie, and the other friends they made along the way.

-+-+-+-

It is a very happy day in heaven when Dean and the others get to meet Sam’s kid. Sam teases him about the sappy moment after all the crying is done.

-+-+-+-

Dean and Castiel eventually decide on a house. A house which they therefore don’t leave for several days.


End file.
